I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
