And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
we're so committed to being not committed
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
