I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
