My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
