I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My Sexting was not on an AP level
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
