Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
