I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
