...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
