I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
