I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
