I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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