I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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