During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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