his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
