This dress was meant to end up on your floor
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
