capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
