There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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