hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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