dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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