don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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