does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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