It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
