just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
