Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
