He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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