I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
