Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
