So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
