You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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