i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
