Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
