so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
