I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
