even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
