sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
