i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
