My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
