apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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