I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
