Swine flu. Run for my life!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
