Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
