Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
