guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
