I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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