so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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