We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
