Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
