VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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