My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
