Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
