Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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